Please Forgive Me
by Loaf of Pan
Summary: Someone finally gains the courage to pour out their soul to the person they love. Is it too late, though?


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Author's Note: I wrote this on a whim when I was in a David Gray whim, and jonesing for a declaration of my own. I highly recommend him. It's good stuff. __Enjoy, and let me know what you thought._

Please Forgive Me

- Loaf of Pan-

Rating: G (for complete sappy mushy lurve.)

* * *

Please forgive me if I act a little strange,

For I know not what I do

Feels like lightning running through my veins

Every time I look at you

Every time I look at you…

* * *

I'm an idiot. I'm a complete idiot. You know, it's funny when you think you're so sure of what's ahead of you. Life's curveballs are sure to miss you! Why? Because you know what you're here for; what you're going to do until you die.

But then again, that's why we have love.

Nothing's certain in that department. Nothing's unheard of, or out of the question, because anything's possible! We're not the authority in that department. We as a human race can't control it. And we most certainly can't choose who that lucky person is.

So, imagine my surprise when I came to the realization that I was falling in love with my best friend. Who is my other best friend's niece. Who is fresh out of college. Who has barely been legal for less than half of a decade (And who just happens to be 14 years younger than me…).

I felt like a dirty old man. Disgusted. Disappointed. Decidedly head over heels for this girl.

And I couldn't help myself - I couldn't help waking up to dreams of her by my side, thoughts of her in my head, and wishes for her to come to me embedded deep in my heart.

What was so special about this girl? Was it her simple, yet stunning aura? Her sophisticated, yet understated beauty? Her easygoing nature and fantastically vibrant personality? Of course, all of these things came into play but there was one thing that drew her to me…

The fact that she saw ME - the real me; all awkward despite my age, unsure despite my experience, hopeful despite my occupation, and sad despite my "wealthy, enriched life". That meant more to me than any of those qualities listed above. No other woman was entrusted to my secret aspirations, dreams, and involvements. No other woman knew me inside and out, good and bad… saint and sinner (I do have faults, contrary to popular belief).

And yet, despite seeing what was underneath, she still stood by my side…or at least she did…

I suppose you could say I screwed up royally.

* * *

Help me out here; all my words are falling sharp

There's so much I wanna say

Wanna tell you just how good I feels

When you look at me that way

When you look at me that way…

* * *

I didn't know that she might have felt the same way. I had been trying to move past this hang-up. So, I was flying through women I couldn't settle with. They weren't all bad…but they weren't her. She called me out on my game though, pulling me aside to privately discuss the issue. She said I could never find someone to love if I went about it this way.

"What if the person you should spend the rest of your life with is right before your eyes?"

How could I tell her that I agreed? That she had been by my side since her birth, with no pauses or gaps in our lives. I wanted her to understand how deep my feelings went. But I couldn't handle rejection, and especially not from her.

I'm not stupid, and I'm not in denial. I can admit I overreacted, but that didn't give me the right to do that to her…not after she gazed at me with this stare of pure and unscathed emotion and affection - so raw and foreign. And scary.

I said she was stupid. How could she possibly know about love at that age, when she had barely lived a forth of her life? Little girls didn't meddle in things they didn't know, I told her. But I knew the truth. How could she know when I didn't? How could she feel such a deep steady flow of feelings at that age, when it took me so much longer to see? How could I not possibly grow fearful when she was so close to touching the one epiphany I had kept so long within me?

I pushed her away from the threshold of my soul so hard and so fast, I could feel her break emotionally and physically. She visibly held back her tears, and kept her guarded pride as intact as she could. She stepped forward and my breath caught in my throat, as I looked into her eyes as stoically as I could.

She pulled up onto her tiptoes, and pressed my face comfortably with her palms. We gazed at each other for a while, and my heart was pounding blood through my veins. I could feel the throb of the rush in my limbs and my throat. A teardrop escaped her surprisingly calm demeanor as she pulled me down to meet her lips with mine.

She was so soft, and tasted so sweet, that I couldn't help but have to fight my own tears and sorrow back to the prison that is my fear. It was quick and chaste, but she had put so much of herself into that one act. I held in the sob that was struggling to free itself from my throat. She looked into my eyes for a moment more while biting her lip, and then turned on her heels to the door.

And that was a week ago. I've been a shell of the man I was, I must admit. But you would be this way too if you knew the one thing you wanted so much in your life slipped through your fingers because of your knack at being an imbecile.

But I'm done with it. I can't hold back anymore. I need her now. I need her in my life, physically and emotionally. She reluctantly agreed to meet me, so I chose the park, which is where I'm going now. It has always been her favorite spot in the city, probably because she'll always be a country girl at heart. I figured if I was going to pour my soul out to her, I'd have to do my best to make her feel comfortable.

* * *

Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow

Moving out across the bay

Like a stone I fall into your eyes

Deep into that mystery

Deep into that mystery…

* * *

I get to the park, and she's already there, looking so beautiful. Then again, when isn't she? She's gazing at the pond in front of her as she sits on the bank -- her gaze is so thoughtful and precise; as if she hasn't had to fight over the ideas swarming around her head. She has her knees pulled into her chest, and the pale green sundress she's wearing pools around her form as a result. I don't want her to see me just yet. I may not be able to observe her in such a manner after this meeting.

And I stand, taking in everything I can visually absorb from her, like how she purses her lips when she's distracted. Or how the breeze blows her sleek, ebony hair away from her face, making it easier to memorize her pert nose, and rosy cheeks, and soulful eyes that are just a shade darker than mahogany. I see her strength -- so quiet yet formidable, and it shows through her every movement as she tosses stones into the pond. She was so perfect…

I struggle to tuck these thoughts away as she turns in my direction. A small and somewhat grim smile graced her façade, and she pats the ground next to her, beckoning me to her world. I hesitate, and then gather my composure as best as I can as I take excruciating steps towards her.

"I was wondering when you were going to show up," she mutters softly.

"I've been here, watching you for a while now," I admit.

The bridge of her nose turns pink from embarrassment, and I grin inwardly. If she only knew…

She glances at me solemnly, and I grow anxious. I thought this would be easy and clean-cut, and we could be together -- no questions. I feel so naïve now…but she couldn't possibly understand how I feel, and how I need her so bad it hurts.

"I can't play this game…I just can't. I've been beating myself up trying not to let myself fall victim to you," she says. She stands up and I can feel the tension in the air. She holds back a frustrated growl as she continues, staring at me with such confusion.

"You! With your perfect looks, and sweet demeanor, and…your knack of always making me feel like I'm more than I am…Oh God, I can't keep going around and around in circles. This stupid game of "What If?" No more. I want all or nothing." She sighs, and plops down next to me again.

* * *

I've got half a mind to scream out loud

I've got half a mind to die,

So I won't every have to lose you girl

Won't ever have to say goodbye

I won't ever have to lie

I won't ever have to say goodbye…

* * *

I smile meekly, and bring her closer so that I can wrap an arm around her.

"You're right. No more, not ever. I know that I haven't exactly been the perfect companion, or friend, or person -- especially when it comes to you. And it's not fair. It's not fair that I haven't been honest, and that I've held back from you. You understand me like no other person on the face of this planet. You accept me unconditionally, no matter what. So, why is it then, that I can't admit to you that I have this undeniably strong feeling for you; this love for you that burns so bright?"

I can hear her inhale sharply as I take her hand and place it over my heart.

"I'm so, so sorry I've treated you like that. But this spot, right here, has been yours for so long; longer than you could possibly imagine. So, I panicked. You've held the most vulnerable thing I have in your very palm without really realizing it. I know it's not enough, but I'm willing to give you all I've got. And more. I'm so in love with you. I am! And I'm ready to start showing you."

She smiles through some tears and pulls me in for a long, soft kiss. And it was amazing. We stare at each other for a few moments, and I thank whatever's up in the sky for letting me have this chance, when she smirks and raises an eyebrow.

"Trunks, I wasn't looking for a freaking declaration of love. 'Okay' would have sufficed."

"Jesus, Pan. Don't give yourself too much credit now."

She punches me, and I kiss her again.

At this exact moment, for the first time in so long, I can genuinely say I'm happy. I can finally say that I'm complete. Whole. Perfect. The way I feel whenever I'm with her.

* * *

Please forgive me if I act a little strange,

For I know not what I do

Feels like lightning running through my veins

Every time I look at you

Every time I look at you…


End file.
